el fin

well, i am 3 days away from being done with school for the time being. like done-done. remember when you were like in 1st grade, and high school seemed like the end, but then you had to go to college, and you were sure it'd never end? wellllll it does. and it's about to for me. it is so weird. what are my plans you ask? that is a GREAT questions. i had a job interview today for a job, but i don't think its a fit for a "temporary" job (i can't get a teaching job right now because there aren't really any available).
if this had happened like, a week ago, i would have been flippppping out. but my perspective has changed in the last week. i kind of realized that the Lord has never let me down, left out to dry, even when it seems like i don't have any other direction. it just may take ME a little more effort to find something instead of just waiting for it to come to me!
i have finally started bonding with my high schoolers. now, i am sad that i don't get to know them better. it was so funny to start off with them and feel like things were going nowhere. literally, in the last two weeks it has become a totally different game. i have definitely realized that all of the kids are precious. you find yourself wanting to learn about their lives, wanting to help them whatever way you can. it really is a very special position to be in.
the next 3 days are going to be CA-RAZAY. what i have been calling "my whole life" aka my portfolio is due on friday. luckily, i bested my procastinative ways and have been doing little by little. i just need to finish a few things....
current likes:
twilight soundtrack
glamour magazine
my purple Christmas tree and two little snowmen
sleeping
current dislikes:
wind!
messy apartment

PS. i am SO thankful to God that i have shelter in weather like this (COOOLLLDD!)! it makes me feel truly blessed...

spark

i'm feeling better, more confident, and less worried about where my immediate future is going to take me. i still need to secure a job for next semester, but i am feeling more and more at ease about both possibilities (staying here or going home). i am truly not sure as to which would be better. both choices have their advantages and disadvantages. i honestly just can't wait to start bringing home a paycheck, either way.
i have a half marathon in a little over a month. i am completely signed up and locked into this thing. i have not been training diligently. tomorrow, since i am finally 98% over my sickness that i've had for the last 9 days, i am going to start super training. who knows what that means exactly, but i need to get at least close to 9 miles before the race. they say if you can run 9 then you can run 13. i just want to finish without looking like an idiot...or dying. first i need to start drinking more water. i do not drink nearly enough. i need to replace my daily diet dr. pepper with a bottle of water. easier said than done. secondly, i just need to get out there and run. what i may need to start doing is taking my gym clothes with my to school so that i can go straight to the gym from school and not have that temptation to stay parked on my couch when i get home. we'll see how it goes....

all over

so high school is different. i've already started into my second week. i feel quite inadequate at this point, but luckily i have a pretty supportive teacher who is encouraging me to just stick with it- it just seems lame that i'm so afraid. but i have to speak completely in Spanish, and that's a bit difficult considering how long it's been since i've had to be "fluent" (think Spain 2007). the kids aren't quite as receptive but i think they are warming up to me, thankfully. i do feel like once we start this new unit that i am creating it will be pretty straight forward, and i can have a lot of fun with them. i'm so ready to be done with all this! although too i will admit that once i get my own classroom i will probably have no idea what i'm doing.
funny quotes of the day:

Teacher: Can somebody look up "nail"? Mischievous Student: "Hmmm, here's "to nail". Teacher: Um no. just nail, thanks. (class laughter ensues).

Said by student, in Spanish: I have some good and bad news. I am going to be a father.

over

it's hard to believe that 8 weeks have gone by since i wrote my first blog about my first day of student teaching. i have no idea where or how the time went. but it has. i have learned so much in such a short time! i have learned that i love middle school. i LOVE it. yes, i am excited to move on to the high school level, but somehow i know that my heart lies with the junior high age group. i have learned how to teach and classroom manage, and make relationships...all those things that classes just can't teach you. and today, i truly realized the reward of investing in kids' lives, reaping the benefit in my own.
my teacher threw me a surprise going away party for my first two periods, my 8th graders. i was so humbled by her generosity (she had to provide food and drink for 120 people!) and her thoughtfulness. the kids of course loved it, and i got to hang out with them and have some fun time! they're crazy, and i love it.
the sad thing was my 6th and 7th graders. they had JUST started to warm up to me and bond. it's a bummer that i couldn't further that relationship with them. i realize that my time at the school is up, and i'm moving on, but it's so difficult to forget and let go of things that have had such an impact on your life! the true joy of teaching IS those relationships. not caring about grades, perfection, strict rules...it's caring about the KID. it's so much more than just about Spanish or whatever you teach. it's about LIFE and loving on people. and yeah, i think i can get on board with doing that with my life. i am so thankful that i got put with who i did, and where i did. what a blessing!

some things

the Lord is faithful.
always.
He provides. He has never shown me anything different.
Why then, do I get so anxious?
the Lord is our healer. no matter the past, the Lord receives glory. perhaps that's why those who have "pasts" shine the most for Him. because the distance from where they've been to where they are now magnifies Him that much more.
it's beautiful!
the Lord only has our best interest at heart. no buts about it.
sometimes we just have to move to see what God's will is for our life.
life is good.

updates

still loving teaching, although i'm exhausted right now- but that is because i started planning and teaching FULL days. after monday, i was so overwhelmed i wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. but already into day 3 and i am pretty used to it. i only have 2 weeks left at my current school, which saddens me deeply. i've just begun to form relationships with these kids and i'm not ready to leave and have to start all over again so soon!
here is something i have been thinking about- i am often so sure that i know what i want when it comes to certain things. i can be certain that things are meant to be one way or another and that i am in control of my own destiny. well, friends, let me tell you that this is just foolishness. i have humbling days (like today) where i realize that i have no idea what exactly it is i am looking for or what exactly it is i want, or rather what i need. that scares me (because i like to be in control). if i don't know what i want or what i need/what is best for me, then how will i know when it comes along??? yes, this is where faith comes in. and, like our good pal steven curtis chapman writes, "faith flowed like a river free and deep, and grace was not so hard to be believed but that was YESTERday...and what was close enough to touch now seems a world away..." lots of times our (my) faith wavers. so i'm realizing faith isn't having answers and believing that's what you'll get. faith is not knowing and believing the Lord will take care of you anyway.
working on this.

random things

i am sitting with dear friends at hastings and we are having fun just basically saying whatever comes to our mind. OK, I am having fun saying whatever comes to my mind. they are studying (trying) and i am bringing up stuff. it's pretty funny. i sold a book today on half.com. i really need to figure out how all that works. i guess i need to ship the book? yeah that would probably a good thing i think. at least they give you a grace period of a couple days to go get that done. i am excited though because i am going to put a little encouraging note in the package for the person i do not know, you know like "hope you have a great semester". so fun! and yeah, nerdy ok? so what.
i love my job. i love my class. my middle schoolers are just the best people in the world, even when they are being "struggles". also, my job is good for my self esteem. that sounds shallow. but it is so awesome and touching to hear your students shout your name in the halls or at lunch or after school and WANT to say hi to you. it makes you feel so valuable like maybe, just maybe you're making some kind of a difference in their lives. also, they say nice things to you. it's so cute.
i am in what i am calling "the waiting game". i have some big decisions to make here in the next couple of months and i am extremely apprehensive about making any of them. i would really love to have more of a "nudge" in a certain direction, but i'm afraid that i'm not going to get it from the Lord (is that called doubt?). But maybe i won't because He wants me to go in either direction and neither one is right or wrong. i don't know how i feel about that. i just feel like there HAS to be a right and wrong decision. i think i'm realizing that this needs more prayer.
i have an addiction to diet dr. pepper. it's reached monumental proportions. i decided today that i'd be willing to give up all other desserts (except cake on my birthday!) in lieu of being able to drink diet dr. pepper. yeah people. it's that good.

yep

so i would say that i got my first, REAL teaching experience today, as i had to conquer (yes, conquer) the 2nd period eighth graders because our team teacher was sick and my cooperating teacher needed to go to the assembly we had today. not only did i have to teach them all by myself, but i had to do it for an hour and a half which is almost equivalent to eternity with middle schoolers if we're going to be honest. BUT, the good news is, it went fine. luckily, the 2nd period kids are studs and while they are a bit chatty, they are funny and they actually do care about what's going on. plus, it never hurts to bribe with candy. i was so relieved that they were being so good, especially when one of the counselors came in looking for a student. she asked me if i was the only one in control at that point in time and i explained the situation and she was like..."wow. you are doing great. they are so quiet!" i was like thank you LORD that she decided to come in at that moment! haha. i was in charge of the 6th graders later, for a shorter amount of time (thank goodness). they were insane. our schedule was different today and it just freaked them out like none other. it truly was bizarre. also bizarre, in our advisory class some people decided they needed dating advice from my teacher and i....basically i had nothing to offer them except really? you're in 8th grade. wait a little while. of course, that doesn't interest them because they are just about DYING to have that girl's number so they can text them all the live long day. OH middle school. it's fantastic.
i am about to open my windows, crawl in my bed, and take a nap. it's a miracle.

review

well it has been approximately 10 days since i have been here....it is really amazing how many things can happen in 10 days. i am experiencing some very life-changing movements from the Lord. it's actually pretty dang sweet.
i'll tell you something that is not sweet though- hurricane ike. well ok, so it's sweet in the meteorological sense, and of the natural sense as it hurricanes are truly a phenomenon, but when people and property are being ruined...it's cool factor goes way down. especially when you know a bunch of people being affected! luckily, my best friend and her family made it out, but who knows what they will return to...they live pretty near the coast so i'm praying it's not so bad as they are predicting. my aunt and uncle decided to ride it out a little further (but ONLY a little further) north around lake conroe, so it will be interesting to see what kind of storms they get. we are supposed to even get torrential rains up here in D-town!
i'm running in a 5K tomorrow morning. this is going to be challenging considering i haven't run in over a month and i've been eating like a garbage can. or maybe just eating garbage. but i guess i don't have to run the WHOLE thing...maybe i'll surprise myself and do it anyway. my dad is running the 15K- he's much more ambitious and talented in the running arena. that whole race thing starts in a little over 7 hours which means i'm getting up in a little less than 6. bummer dude. the days of sleeping in are truly, truly over. thank you working full time. did i mention i don't get paid? right.
still, i love the teaching. i am in charge of the entire 6th grade unit next week. SCARY but awesome too. knowing that the partial responsibility of the students' success is in your hands is a little overwhelming. i'm up to the challenge of course, and the topic is "junk foods"- something i can totally get into. PLUS you could definitely use this as an opportunity to have a "hands-on" day where the kids actually bring in junk food. BRILLIANT, if you ask me.
so here's where my life's at:
God is good. Things aren't easy. But God is good.
Friends REALLY ARE His way of taking care of you, and encouraging you in a tangible way.
I'm learning a lot.
I'm teaching a lot.
I'm a mess mostly.
But God can still be glorified.
shweet.

realization

i have realized several things.

i don't have to go to grad school if i don't want to.
i can get a job when i'm done student teaching and that can be it.
if i really WANTED to go back to school in the future...i could.
no matter how much money i make, i will always have enough.
God uses me in light of myself...not in spite.
He always listens. ALWAYS.
Taking deep breaths really helps.
i love middle school kids.

today, i have nothing to say.

...except i just said something.

day 1

well, the time has finally come and gone for me to say that i officially have my long-anticipated first day of student teaching behind me. it was great. i love middle school. this comes sort of as a shock, but also sort of not since i worked with middle schoolers at Pine Cove and loved it. BUT, i was so sure that i wanted to do high school, and now i'm not so sure anymore. of course i say this after one day, so we'll see what happens as the semester goes on. my teacher is fantastic. she's spunky and fun, no-nonsense yet still has a great sense of humor. we are going to really get along. everyone at the school was so incredibly nice and welcoming. i couldn't have asked for a better day. i always knew the anticipation would be worse than the actual student teaching part. of course again, we'll see what happens when i actually start teaching. i will say that the idea of getting up in front of the middle schoolers is so much less intimidating than when i had to get up in front of the high schoolers last semester in my observation. the spanish is much easier, and that just might be better for me because i want to be able to have more fun in getting the kids engaged in the language than focusing on tough grammar stuff. already i can tell the semester is going to go by fast.
the quote of the day was when i was handing out candy at the door to the last class (6th graders, PRECIOUS) and this little kid walks through the door (he'd been asking me about college and parties...yeah i am hoping he has older siblings and that this is the reason why he was asking) and i said "you stay away from those crazy parties" and he says back to me "don't worry, i'll keep it low G, peace OUT!" hilarious.

learn it

i really appreciate it when people are purposeful/deliberate/intentional/whatever you want to call it. "really appreciate" is kind of an understatement. it's more like it is awesome. i need to learn to be the same way.

sometimes, God is subtle and quiet when He's trying to tell you something. other times (i.e. when you're not particularly interested in paying attention to Him) he ups the volume a little bit. that's how i felt last night while i was helping out at wednesday night youth group. our youth pastor was talking about being doers of the Word, not merely hearers, and being obedient to that which God has called us to. he mentioned the story of Abraham and his son Isaac and kind of said basically what God was asking Abraham in asking him to sacrifice his own son was "hey, am i your first priority? am i your first love?" woah. talk about in your face. well, in mine at least.

love is waiting

the familiar sting of tears touches my eyes again
a testament to everything i'm holding back within
but i won't let these tears fall, not today you see
because i'm stronger than the emotion that's overtaking me
the familiar sound of truth calls from the other side
something of a wide, deep love is waiting as my guide
but i'll continue to ignore it, saying it's not for me
i'm fine just sitting right where i am, it's where i'll always be
the familiar sting of pain wanders through my head
the roots of every thought come from a single thread
i try hard not to listen or acknowledge it at all
i'm stronger than the hurt they cause, i won't take the fall
the familiar signs of brokenness are all around me now
but i've been there too many times before to venture back there now
see if i have to be broken, that means i have to feel
and feelings only mean one thing: and that is to be real
the familiar sting of tears wells up my eyes once more
but they won't go spilling over as in the times before
i'm stronger, i say, much stronger than the mountain standing tall
...the irony of the whole silly thing is i'm not strong at all.

observations

i just saw a commercial for "captain supertooth", a super-hero that travels around and teaches kindergartners and 1st graders about oral healthcare. AWESOME. he had a big toothbrush and everything.

fact: michael phelps is a swimming beast. opinion: he is a little too arrogant for my taste. which is unfortunate, because i'd like to be excited about him winning all those medals...i just wish he LOVED it a little more instead of acting so smug. the .01 gave him maybe a little moment of humility.

my apartment smells of brownies. it's fantastic. perhaps i will bake every day just so i can have that smell. unfortunately, that will probably get expensive after a while.

i am a very silly human sometimes. ok most of the time. but God is always ready for me. and for that, i am thankful.

i am already needing to clean my apartment, and am already unmotivated to do so. this is not a good sign.

i really, really like macaroni and cheese.

that is all.

reality

my best friend just left. it is very interesting to think about doing life here in Norman without her. it is all i have known for almost the last 2 years- we have been inseperable. i am so blessed to have a friend like her, and i wish everyone could know what it feels like to have a friend that's basically the other half of your brain. a kindred spirit, as her mom says. but life is also the type of thing where it pulls even the closest of kindred spirits in different geographical locations, and so we gotta do what we gotta do. i understand that. distance will never keep up from being friends.

BUT it does sink in this new reality for me. new apartment. no "real" classes. starting a teaching internship. everything is different pretty much at this point from how i've known it for the last 4 years. it's kind of exciting. this semester holds much promise i think.

question: on jeopardy, they have those clues where the "clue crew" actually goes to places just to say like one sentence: well, do the jeopardy producers feel like they wasted time when no one gets those right? i think i would. like, i spent so much time getting those people on site to give the clue and then it just goes unanswered. it's like it's un-validated. i don't know, just a thought.

more women's gymnastics tonight! that's good stuff. big swimming too...

bargain of the day

toaster: $6.69 at Target. i think my appliance collection is complete. i really wanted to have a nice piece of toast with my eggs that i make with the little omelet maker that my mom bought me. :) mission accomplished.

best friend is here. life is a little more right at the moment. game night tonight...and baking cookies. awesome.

also i am bumming internet off someone right now. if i am able to do this all the time should i even pay for my own internet? i'm just kidding. of course i will pay for my own internet. that would be dishonorable. but until i get it this is nice-thank you anonymous internet supplier.

this was also a rainy day. a gift from God- i do love the rain.

holla

i am moved in to the new apartment! it is every bit as awesome as i'd hoped. in fact, it's probably more awesome, simply because of the amount of storage the thing has! i have 2 closets. that should be illegal. i don't even know what to do with all the space. the fam was up here helping me move in, and it was great to have them with me. we got a ton done- it's a lot of work to assemble all that furniture, clean stuff, figure out where it all goes...but i have to admit it's a new kind of fun :)

i will tell you what is NOT fun though- the amount of money it takes to get the things you NEED- that is a new kind of not fun. but, it's a fun i knew i'd have to experience sooner or later. that being said...i'm gonna need a job. for sure. hire me!!

i don't get cable or internet until wednesday, so i am out of the loop on the olympics. i really really really wanted to watch the gymnastics too! ah well...can't have everything!

i still have a ton to do, but i have been relaxing here at mcalisters for the past hour and a half (see no internet comment), had dinner, and then ran into some friends that i hadn't seen in a while. that was a blessing. they just got married this past summer and they are both extremely precious people, thus very good to be able to catch up with them. i'm supposed to go make an appearance at wildwood college volleyball night so more fun reunions to be had tonight!

until next time, i will be apartment-ing and hangin out with the best friend!

nothing is sacred

so today my mom tells me that we need to pray for my cousin and her husband because they are having "problems". a shock to me really, because everything seemed fine with them the last time i saw them and their two adorable kids. (of course that's what everyone said about my family too and we all know what happened there). then my mom tells me that my cousin's husband has a girlfriend already and that they are separated. i know this situation all too well. and it rekindles so much anger and disbelief as to how this could be possible. this is one of those times that i went to the extreme. the extreme of "is it really worth it?" i know TOO MANY marriages that are failing (really my parents were enough to get me started) and i know TOO WELL the damage and baggage and constant struggle that comes along with it. my mom said it was worth it. maybe so, but i can't reconcile myself with that yet. my brother told me i shouldn't not do something just because i'm afraid it will fail. but failure in this aspect of life (marriage) is what i've come to know more often than success in those around me. that is just SAD. God created it and we corrupted it, just like so many other things. it's a total shame. my cousin and her husband have EVERYTHING...2 precious kids, a huge home plus 2 vacation homes, everything they could ever need. but that's not enough. what IS enough? what is the answer to the question "why is this pattern becoming familiar and commonplace?" its repercussions are anything but commonplace and i hurt for anyone who has ever had to go through separation and divorce or be a separation and divorce child. i'm almost 100% sure that the Lord had me go through the same thing so i can share my experience and help those who had no answers, no place to turn. and i will. i will do everything i can to show people, help people realize that 1) Jesus is always the missing piece, whatever it is they are searching for and 2) they are not alone. as for believing in marriage...i want to. i want to so badly. but sometimes i can't. and sometimes, that's probably okay. it obviously isn't in the plans for me right NOW. maybe it's not in the plans for me at all- that's fine. but if it is, i will hope and pray that the person i commit to is ready to try as hard as i will to reverse this terrible trend. it truly breaks my heart to know the pain this type of thing causes and is causing for my 2 little cousins, because i have known it for myself. keep my cousin in your prayers.

about time

so i move into my new apartment in less than 48 hours. there are a lot of "new" things about it, indeed. new table and chairs. new futon. new dishes. new pots and pans. here's something else new: no class. i really have graduated. well that's certainly strange isn't it? new job: not really a job, because i am not getting paid for it (oh no, i am paying out of state, graduate tuition for 9 hours, don't even get me started) but a job in the sense that i will be teaching (ish, observing for some part) a full day of school 5 days a week. does everyone else feel like me when they get to this point? that they have absolutely no stinkin idea what they're doing? i sure hope so, because otherwise i would feel pretty lame. i'm not SCARED, confidence isn't really the problem. it's more like i just really am at a loss for figuring out what it is i am actually supposed to do. hopefully, someone will show me. i think i will break this blog out of the dust for the purpose of tracking the teaching days and my emotions that go along with it- since i'm still not entirely sure that this is exactly what i want to do. i'm counting on the student teaching to help me figure that out.

i really should think about brushing up on the Spanish, since that IS what i'm going to be teaching...