today, i have nothing to say.

...except i just said something.

day 1

well, the time has finally come and gone for me to say that i officially have my long-anticipated first day of student teaching behind me. it was great. i love middle school. this comes sort of as a shock, but also sort of not since i worked with middle schoolers at Pine Cove and loved it. BUT, i was so sure that i wanted to do high school, and now i'm not so sure anymore. of course i say this after one day, so we'll see what happens as the semester goes on. my teacher is fantastic. she's spunky and fun, no-nonsense yet still has a great sense of humor. we are going to really get along. everyone at the school was so incredibly nice and welcoming. i couldn't have asked for a better day. i always knew the anticipation would be worse than the actual student teaching part. of course again, we'll see what happens when i actually start teaching. i will say that the idea of getting up in front of the middle schoolers is so much less intimidating than when i had to get up in front of the high schoolers last semester in my observation. the spanish is much easier, and that just might be better for me because i want to be able to have more fun in getting the kids engaged in the language than focusing on tough grammar stuff. already i can tell the semester is going to go by fast.
the quote of the day was when i was handing out candy at the door to the last class (6th graders, PRECIOUS) and this little kid walks through the door (he'd been asking me about college and parties...yeah i am hoping he has older siblings and that this is the reason why he was asking) and i said "you stay away from those crazy parties" and he says back to me "don't worry, i'll keep it low G, peace OUT!" hilarious.

learn it

i really appreciate it when people are purposeful/deliberate/intentional/whatever you want to call it. "really appreciate" is kind of an understatement. it's more like it is awesome. i need to learn to be the same way.

sometimes, God is subtle and quiet when He's trying to tell you something. other times (i.e. when you're not particularly interested in paying attention to Him) he ups the volume a little bit. that's how i felt last night while i was helping out at wednesday night youth group. our youth pastor was talking about being doers of the Word, not merely hearers, and being obedient to that which God has called us to. he mentioned the story of Abraham and his son Isaac and kind of said basically what God was asking Abraham in asking him to sacrifice his own son was "hey, am i your first priority? am i your first love?" woah. talk about in your face. well, in mine at least.

love is waiting

the familiar sting of tears touches my eyes again
a testament to everything i'm holding back within
but i won't let these tears fall, not today you see
because i'm stronger than the emotion that's overtaking me
the familiar sound of truth calls from the other side
something of a wide, deep love is waiting as my guide
but i'll continue to ignore it, saying it's not for me
i'm fine just sitting right where i am, it's where i'll always be
the familiar sting of pain wanders through my head
the roots of every thought come from a single thread
i try hard not to listen or acknowledge it at all
i'm stronger than the hurt they cause, i won't take the fall
the familiar signs of brokenness are all around me now
but i've been there too many times before to venture back there now
see if i have to be broken, that means i have to feel
and feelings only mean one thing: and that is to be real
the familiar sting of tears wells up my eyes once more
but they won't go spilling over as in the times before
i'm stronger, i say, much stronger than the mountain standing tall
...the irony of the whole silly thing is i'm not strong at all.

observations

i just saw a commercial for "captain supertooth", a super-hero that travels around and teaches kindergartners and 1st graders about oral healthcare. AWESOME. he had a big toothbrush and everything.

fact: michael phelps is a swimming beast. opinion: he is a little too arrogant for my taste. which is unfortunate, because i'd like to be excited about him winning all those medals...i just wish he LOVED it a little more instead of acting so smug. the .01 gave him maybe a little moment of humility.

my apartment smells of brownies. it's fantastic. perhaps i will bake every day just so i can have that smell. unfortunately, that will probably get expensive after a while.

i am a very silly human sometimes. ok most of the time. but God is always ready for me. and for that, i am thankful.

i am already needing to clean my apartment, and am already unmotivated to do so. this is not a good sign.

i really, really like macaroni and cheese.

that is all.

reality

my best friend just left. it is very interesting to think about doing life here in Norman without her. it is all i have known for almost the last 2 years- we have been inseperable. i am so blessed to have a friend like her, and i wish everyone could know what it feels like to have a friend that's basically the other half of your brain. a kindred spirit, as her mom says. but life is also the type of thing where it pulls even the closest of kindred spirits in different geographical locations, and so we gotta do what we gotta do. i understand that. distance will never keep up from being friends.

BUT it does sink in this new reality for me. new apartment. no "real" classes. starting a teaching internship. everything is different pretty much at this point from how i've known it for the last 4 years. it's kind of exciting. this semester holds much promise i think.

question: on jeopardy, they have those clues where the "clue crew" actually goes to places just to say like one sentence: well, do the jeopardy producers feel like they wasted time when no one gets those right? i think i would. like, i spent so much time getting those people on site to give the clue and then it just goes unanswered. it's like it's un-validated. i don't know, just a thought.

more women's gymnastics tonight! that's good stuff. big swimming too...

bargain of the day

toaster: $6.69 at Target. i think my appliance collection is complete. i really wanted to have a nice piece of toast with my eggs that i make with the little omelet maker that my mom bought me. :) mission accomplished.

best friend is here. life is a little more right at the moment. game night tonight...and baking cookies. awesome.

also i am bumming internet off someone right now. if i am able to do this all the time should i even pay for my own internet? i'm just kidding. of course i will pay for my own internet. that would be dishonorable. but until i get it this is nice-thank you anonymous internet supplier.

this was also a rainy day. a gift from God- i do love the rain.

holla

i am moved in to the new apartment! it is every bit as awesome as i'd hoped. in fact, it's probably more awesome, simply because of the amount of storage the thing has! i have 2 closets. that should be illegal. i don't even know what to do with all the space. the fam was up here helping me move in, and it was great to have them with me. we got a ton done- it's a lot of work to assemble all that furniture, clean stuff, figure out where it all goes...but i have to admit it's a new kind of fun :)

i will tell you what is NOT fun though- the amount of money it takes to get the things you NEED- that is a new kind of not fun. but, it's a fun i knew i'd have to experience sooner or later. that being said...i'm gonna need a job. for sure. hire me!!

i don't get cable or internet until wednesday, so i am out of the loop on the olympics. i really really really wanted to watch the gymnastics too! ah well...can't have everything!

i still have a ton to do, but i have been relaxing here at mcalisters for the past hour and a half (see no internet comment), had dinner, and then ran into some friends that i hadn't seen in a while. that was a blessing. they just got married this past summer and they are both extremely precious people, thus very good to be able to catch up with them. i'm supposed to go make an appearance at wildwood college volleyball night so more fun reunions to be had tonight!

until next time, i will be apartment-ing and hangin out with the best friend!

nothing is sacred

so today my mom tells me that we need to pray for my cousin and her husband because they are having "problems". a shock to me really, because everything seemed fine with them the last time i saw them and their two adorable kids. (of course that's what everyone said about my family too and we all know what happened there). then my mom tells me that my cousin's husband has a girlfriend already and that they are separated. i know this situation all too well. and it rekindles so much anger and disbelief as to how this could be possible. this is one of those times that i went to the extreme. the extreme of "is it really worth it?" i know TOO MANY marriages that are failing (really my parents were enough to get me started) and i know TOO WELL the damage and baggage and constant struggle that comes along with it. my mom said it was worth it. maybe so, but i can't reconcile myself with that yet. my brother told me i shouldn't not do something just because i'm afraid it will fail. but failure in this aspect of life (marriage) is what i've come to know more often than success in those around me. that is just SAD. God created it and we corrupted it, just like so many other things. it's a total shame. my cousin and her husband have EVERYTHING...2 precious kids, a huge home plus 2 vacation homes, everything they could ever need. but that's not enough. what IS enough? what is the answer to the question "why is this pattern becoming familiar and commonplace?" its repercussions are anything but commonplace and i hurt for anyone who has ever had to go through separation and divorce or be a separation and divorce child. i'm almost 100% sure that the Lord had me go through the same thing so i can share my experience and help those who had no answers, no place to turn. and i will. i will do everything i can to show people, help people realize that 1) Jesus is always the missing piece, whatever it is they are searching for and 2) they are not alone. as for believing in marriage...i want to. i want to so badly. but sometimes i can't. and sometimes, that's probably okay. it obviously isn't in the plans for me right NOW. maybe it's not in the plans for me at all- that's fine. but if it is, i will hope and pray that the person i commit to is ready to try as hard as i will to reverse this terrible trend. it truly breaks my heart to know the pain this type of thing causes and is causing for my 2 little cousins, because i have known it for myself. keep my cousin in your prayers.

about time

so i move into my new apartment in less than 48 hours. there are a lot of "new" things about it, indeed. new table and chairs. new futon. new dishes. new pots and pans. here's something else new: no class. i really have graduated. well that's certainly strange isn't it? new job: not really a job, because i am not getting paid for it (oh no, i am paying out of state, graduate tuition for 9 hours, don't even get me started) but a job in the sense that i will be teaching (ish, observing for some part) a full day of school 5 days a week. does everyone else feel like me when they get to this point? that they have absolutely no stinkin idea what they're doing? i sure hope so, because otherwise i would feel pretty lame. i'm not SCARED, confidence isn't really the problem. it's more like i just really am at a loss for figuring out what it is i am actually supposed to do. hopefully, someone will show me. i think i will break this blog out of the dust for the purpose of tracking the teaching days and my emotions that go along with it- since i'm still not entirely sure that this is exactly what i want to do. i'm counting on the student teaching to help me figure that out.

i really should think about brushing up on the Spanish, since that IS what i'm going to be teaching...